goodness.

can't face it...

here we are, months after ii got that first text..."****** is dead..."

ii still can't come to believe it. this is about the third time ii have been home and ii still can't not bring it to light. ii can't do my usual drive bys just to catch him outside before ii turn onto my block... ii can't do my usual drive bys to invite him to the nites events... ii can't do my usual drive bys just to see his face. he is gone, taken away from me, and his family--the poor people. ii can't even imagine how his mom is dealing with it all, if you even call it dealing. it's more like accepting...accepting that he will never be back. no more memories, no more stories, no more lust, no more him. everyday ii happen to pass the church were we used to play basketball and pull up to the intersection at van ness and manchester[that of which ii try hard to avoid] ii have to keep myself from tearing up. he was a dear friend to me, a lifelong friend that ii expected to be here with me forever. the tears fall as i continue to type. he is gone forever. ii can't face it. ii can't go see his mom; ii don't know what to sayy. i remember when ii first got word of what had happened, ii didn't know what to feel or how to feel,and ii felt bad because at that point ii had no emotion, i guess ii was just shocked...soon after ii broke down, and now being back at home, ii can't stop feeling... it's not fair how someone you love can just be taken from you like this. and ii only imagine how the girlfriends felt; ii was just a longtime friend and ii was/am/will always be devastated. but ii still can't face it.

the time we spent together will never be forgotten. RIP, love.

neverLAnd.

soooooooooooooooo i'm posted up with the CALI breeze and palm trees! got my family, my girls-- minus one, and loviie. sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllll.

neverLAnd.

^^ many have been asking my about my away messages and what neverLAnd means...well, the most obvious meaning is how happy ii am to be back in LA, hence the two capital [LA] letters...but, the most important underlying meaning is the whole concept of neverLAnd... neverLAnd is a place where you can be a kid forever.. you know, like the whole peter pan story. that's where ii want to be, and when ii come back home, LA is what that becomes; a place of no worries or responsibilities....but only because those worries are left back at school only to be returned to in short times. so there you have it.

can't wait for gabs to get here, you missin functions. :D

if only these idiots knew whyy ii was so homesick..................

ii need my Girls Back. ii can't fuck with ppl who get attitudes about a joke. get over yourself please. whyy do ii have to deal with this bullshiit. Gabs, what up? Bree, what up?

one more day. please bring me back to level ground.

neverLAnd, rescue me.

leave me alonnnnnnne.

i am taking over this page, world.

you know what sucks?

trying really hard to keep your business to yourself and having ppl
still pry into it, persistently too.

in recent events, ii found that ppl are just disgusting. so disgusting and
bored with their own lives, that they must figure out ways to destroy
mine. ii currently live in a plAZe where ppl feel that ii am "distant" because they don't know anything about me. can we please get our own lives and leave me to mine.

someone take me back to real ppl, ppl who have enough excitement in their lives that ii have to ask them questions.

take me to neverLAnd..................